Are You My Mother?

Just heard from my Mom. To me, she is the funniest person on the planet.  From the time I was one and a half years old and could understand what she was saying she has always made me laugh.  This is classic Mom:

I went in yesterday for a flu shot. They were giving them in the lobby of Kaiser which is big. I registered, waited my turn and was ushered to table number 3.
The pretty nurse said “how old are you?”
“I’m 80,” my mom said.

“Are you allergic to eggs?” she was asked

“No,” my mother replied.

“Have you ever had dizziness or disorientation?” pretty girl asked.

“No,” mom said.  “I mean maybe four times in my life when I drank too much champagne!”

“Normal,” pretty girl said.

“Do you have allergic reactions?” 

“To certain people,” my Mom replied.  (To those of you who know me, if you think I’m a rebel, you should meet my mom!!)

“Have you had any incidences lately with pests that felt disturbing in your life or left you feeling anything less than healthy?” pretty girl asked.

“Yes!” Mom said a little too loudly.  “There were deer on my redwood forest property in the last several days and they ate the flowers I JUST planted! SOOOOO frustrating!!”

“We’re almost done here.  Do you feel safe at home?”  

“Uh, I live in the middle of a redwood forest that is very isolated.  Are you referring to the person I live with or anxiety in general.  Are you a therapist or a person who gives a flu shot?  This is getting a little wierd….”

“Okay, final answer before I give you your flu shot. Are you or do you plan on getting pregnant in the near future?”

“Yes, as soon as I can.

Where Does Whole Foods Find Them?

What do you do with this?” a young checker at Whole Foods asked the 20-something girl in front of me in line as he held up a small bottle while ringing it up.

The girl glanced at his multiple piercings, bracelets and necklaces and looked sort of smitten. “I use it as perfume,” she said, “but it’s a lavender essential oil so it also helps with my sinuses and balances my chakras.” She looked at him hopefully with a smile. He looked at her sideways, took her money, handed her the bottle and then looked at me as she walked away. I was quietly laughing.

Well!” he blurted to me, “That’s her opinion on that!!” He rolled his eyes. “Ya know,” he went on, “I can hang with it when someone talks about healthy, pesticide free food being good for our bodies. But when they parlay into ‘the scent of vanilla will cure your tuberculosis’….No it won’t!! He rolled his eyes again. “If it did we would know that by now! Jus’ sayin’!” he said as they say often in Texas.