I Just Don’t Get It

IMG_1515

Okay, so this definitely falls squarely into the category of things I simply do not understand about Texas. Somebody’s got to help me out here. Chicken and Custard? What? You dip a piece of chicken into custard and then take a bite? Or, you have the chicken for dinner and the custard for dessert? I just don’t get it.

Here are some other fast food business ideas I came up with for Texas that make about the same amount of sense:

-Chicken & Oreos

-Steak and Peanut Butter Cups

-Shrimp and Peppermint

———————————————————————————————-


Loose Screws in Texas

“Bounce it! Bounce it!” a person named Susan was shouting at me from the other side of the net.

“I know the rules, Susan!!” my voice was raised as I whacked the ball as hard as I could back over the net aiming for her head.

I missed her head and the ball flew out of bounds (It surely would have been a home run had I been playing baseball) and I lost the point. I am normally not at all mean spirited but this woman was obnoxious and had been adamantly bossing us all around.

“Susan,” our coach Dave said gently, “if this had been tournament play you would have lost that point for shouting over the net to your opponent!” Susan glared at him menacingly and if looks could kill, coach would be dead.

I have recently taken up Pickle Ball. I wish it were called something else because that doesn’t sound very fierce but it is a fast paced game and a cross between badminton and tennis. The court is one-third the size of a tennis court and much of the game is played volleying at the net. It’s the fastest growing sport in the country because the baby boomers are aging (me) and it’s not as hard on the body as tennis but just as much fun. I am happy to say I am a very good pickle ball player as the skills I acquired playing 15 years of tennis were directly transferable to the sport. It is a very convenient sport if you are the victim of the dreaded Dallas weather of severe ice storms, extreme winds, torrential rain, oppressive humidity and outrageous heat because it is played indoors in a gym.

Dave is a youthful 71 years old, is very outgoing and gregarious, has a charming South African accent and an irrepressible sense of humor. I have so much fun with him. I also have a great time with the other women in our group.

“Dave!” Susan shouted, “You have to quit calling the score! Whoever is serving should call the score! It’s incorrect in Pickle Ball for one person to call the score, Dave!” Scoring in Pickle Ball is very confusing and is the only thing I didn’t pick up immediately and am still struggling with.

“I want him to call the score, Susan!” I loudly interjected, “I’m still learning the scoring!” Mitra backed me up by forcefully saying she also wanted him to call score.

Things were getting really weird and Dave made an attempt to lighten things up and with a delightful smile on his face he said, “Susan, quit bossing me around. You are not my wife,” as he walked away to get some water.

“Thank god I am not your wife. I wake up every morning and thank god I am not your wife!!” Susan viciously asserted.

It was so bizarre and I was realizing this woman has a real screw loose and I couldn’t help laughing as Dave approached me. “Did you hear what she just said?” I said.

“What?” he said. I repeated her comment.

“Do you think she knows the feeling is mutual?” Dave laughed.

As we said our goodbyes and see you next week Susan said she would not be there next week. It was all the rest of us could do not to break into applause.


Provocative Neighbors

“I still need to know what you do about Termites,” I called out to Joanne as I approached she and Peter on her driveway. Joanne is my next door neighbor and Peter does the landscape maintenance for both our houses.

“Oh, yeah,” she said, “I’m not really sure what my guy does but he’s coming a week from tomorrow so I’ll have him knock on your door.”

“Well, wait, what company is it? I’ve already interviewed three and there are things I don’t like about all three of them,” I said as I noticed that Joanne’s dress was completely see through and I could see the silhouettes of her thighs all the way up to her crotch.

“It’s called BugsAway. They’re great! Family owned, very nice people, Christian, they’re great.”

I laughed and I could tell by the look on her face my laughter needed some explaining. “I’m not from Texas or anywhere in the Bible Belt so I’m not used to hearing Christian as a selling point,” I said.

Peter chuckled.

“Trustworthy!” she blurted, “I meant trustworthy by that.”

“Well, I was raised a Catholic and they were molesting alter boys, so I’m not sure you can always equate the two,” I said. Peter laughed out loud. “In fact,” I went on, “if someone held a gun to my head and said I had to align with an organized religion, it would probably be Buddhism. But wait! I hardly know you guys! I’m not supposed to be talking about politics, sex or religion!” Peter threw his head back laughing.

“Where are you going!?” I then demanded of Joanne.

“To her mailbox,” Peter said. I think he knew what I was getting at.

“I just got back from swimming,” Joanne said.

“Oh, it’s a bathing suit cover! I was gonna say your dress is completely see through and was going to offer to lend you a slip!”

Peter was laughing so hard he had to walk away.

________________________________________________


Funny Texas Indians

“You mean Chicken Korma?” the stout man asked in his thick Indian accent from behind the host stand.

“No, just the Korma sauce,” I replied. “I want just the sauce and I’ll put my own organic chicken in it.”

“Korma is all together in a big pot with the tomatoes, cream and other ingredients.” He looked utterly perplexed which utterly perplexed me.

“I know,” I said, “can I buy a container of it? I used to buy it every week at an Indian restaurant by my house in Scottsdale.”

“No one has ever asked for this before. I don’t think I can sell it that way; it would probably be thirty dollars,” he said as he looked at me suspiciously. I think at this point he was just trying to get rid of me because he was in the middle of his lunch rush and I threw a wrench into the works with this seemingly troublesome and outrageous request.

“Thirty dollars for a couple servings of Korma sauce?” I asked surprised.

“Well or fifteen or twenty,” he said looking around bewildered.

“If it’s really good Korma, fifteen is okay.” I said wondering if I sounded like I was bartering. “Is there someone you can ask, maybe the chef?”

He flitted away in the direction of the kitchen.

My husband and I love Chicken Korma and while I have tried and tried to make it and have come very close, it’s just not as delightfully Indian as when it comes from a good Indian restaurant.

I could see beyond a glass wall separating the entrance of the restaurant to the lunch buffet room where hungry customers mounded their plates with Indian culinary delights. Then entered an Indian man donning a tall white toque followed by the host. The chef began ladling something from the buffet table into a container as the host watched. The chef handed the man the container as they both laughed.

A minute later the man came out with a smile on his face and a bag that I hoped held a container of Korma.

“I completely over complicated this,” the man said with a smile. “I don’t know what I was thinking or why I made this so difficult.”

I laughed out loud. “It is soooo sweet of you to say that!”

“Here’s your Korma and it’s only four dollars, not thirty!” he said as he laughed and rolled his eyes. I put five dollars in a tip jar on the host stand.

_____________________________________________________________


It’s Saturday Night Live!!!

I was young but I had to get out from under a man who hated me for my assertiveness and my fearlessness of him and my willingness to stand up to him. The minute I turned 16 I told my mother I had had it with my stepfather and I moved out.

Q. What do you do when you are on your own at 16?

A. Become a waitress and convince an apartment manager you are 18 and that you can handle the responsibility of renting.

Waitresses, especially when they are pretty, and I was, make a lot of money for a young person. I already had a jump on it because I had become a hostess at a restaurant when I turned 15, had my driver’s permit and had an old beat up Volkswagen. I’d proven my reliability and commitment so when it came time to start supporting myself I was able to convince the manager where I worked to promote me to waitress. Like the other nights, we would work hard, make our tips, clean up the restaurant but on Saturdays we would then congregate at someone’s apartment, smoke a joint and watch our beloved Saturday Night Live.

I just watched the 40 year reunion of Saturday Night Live the other night and I was close to tears. There are so many SNL actors who have died of diseases and overdoses and so many more who have gone on to be hugely successful in their acting and comedic careers. And I feel like I know them all. I’ve been watching for 40 years.

I feel like all the SNL people are my people. In the early days it was Gilda Radner, Garret Morris, Jane Curtain, Chevy Chase, John Belushi, Laraine Newman, Dan Akroid, Bill Murray and others.

DExoLER C201009-Top-40-Arts-and-Culture-SNL-Second-City

I’ve watched the creator and producer, Lorne Michaels, a gorgeous young, creative man with shiny black hair transition to a gray haired gentry gentleman.

imagesimages

I’ve seen the show go from funky cheap rented studio space where you could barely hear what Candice Bergen was saying to evil toy maker Dan Akroid, to the best in the business at Rockefeller Center in NYC. Now a-days Tina Fey, Amy Poelher, Jason Sedekis and Seth Myers recently moved on.

article-2075711-0F37F14700000578-874_634x356 images

I hear Lorne cries every time a beloved cast member leaves. He’s an emotional guy and his guts are invested in his people and his show. He’s a tough cookie to be sure and there are a lot of casualties who make it one or two seasons and then are booted by him, but he loves the ones he loves. And I love him for creating SNL.